When we said goodbye in January, I thought I’d be returning to you: even if it were just as friends, and I was ok with that- because I always wanted you to be a part of my life – a major part of my life. You’ve done me a lot of favors since I’ve been gone, but I don’t understand the cool distance that has now settled between us. I would do anything for it not to exist. I have never been as close to anyone as I had been with you, and how we are now hurts me. What hurts the most though is just knowing that you actively do not want me part of your life, or have actively given me that impression. When I ran into you the other day, I missed my friend, the person I knew I could always turn to, my most loyal companion whom I understood and understood me. I did not feel those longing for love feelings I felt once upon a time. It’s all about the friendship and the connection that we have lost, and the fact that you make it look so easy. I have never experienced such a loss knowing that the loss is one sided. It makes me wonder about how I was in our relationship: Wasn’t I good to you? Did I provide any emotional support for you? Or was our closeness just a figment of my imagination? It sure feels like it was, but I try not to let myself get lost thinking that. I just want to be friends. It scares me to think about how close you can become with someone and then in a matter of a few short months they can totally turn their back on you and c’est la vie it’s like you never existed.  Just because I went to Australia and had these other experiences, it does not replace what we had. I always said, before we became close, that I believed everybody was replaceable (to a certain extent). You always would argue with me about how ridiculous and sad it is to think that way, but losing you reminds me why I had thought that way to begin with. I have wanted to call and tell you these things, but I have gotten the impression that you don’t want to hear it. I thought about calling you and telling you that I want to be friends, and I thought about asking why why why, but it’s been clear that you don’t want to be friends (at least close friends right now). So if you find yourself reading these words, know that I don’t understand what has happened, know that I don’t like what has happened, know that I wish we could rekindle our connection as two people who understand each other, know that I miss you, and know that even though it hurts me that you’re gone—I hope you are happy.

“It’s sad when people you know, become people you knew.”

This is one of the few moments where I don’t actually want to lose what I have with someone. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to end a relationship because of the timing and the distance that inevitably would not work well together. This is the first time, however, I’ve had to do it without some kind of hard feelings to remember in order to make it ending it easier. This is the first time I’ve broken up with someone who I whole heartedly felt like it was just too soon, just not fair. My stomach feels that sinking feeling, it reminds me of the “familiar pain” that Dan Fogelberg sings about in his “Same Old Lang Syne.” It’s a mixture of loss, pain, nostalgia and just plain fear. Although it isn’t necessarily the end, I’m treating it as if it is, otherwise I’d be hanging on to a false hope – and nothing tricks you more than false hopes. I hate this feeling; it makes me never want to be in a relationship again. I miss having my companion. The person I shared everything with. I am re-learning what it is to be alone, to sleep alone, to go out alone, and I am left here, feeling this loss, alone. I wish I didn’t, but I love and miss you… more than I ever have anybody in this way.

Quote:

“Life sucks in a good way: falling in love, falling in hate, getting hurt, and getting laid; what’s one without the other? But when it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you’re happy, and othertimes you smile just because you survived. Yet in the end, a smile is a smile.” – Happy Campers

Our time was fleeting, and not because of the amount of time we were allotted. Our time was short because my feelings did not last long for you. At first I was hooked, but after the lust faded I wanted to be with her, the one I am supposed to be with. The one who gets me, she doesn’t have to strain in order to know how to talk to me, or how to please me. The one I sometimes forget I do lust for. Even when I’ve lost my rhythm, just when I think it’s gone, she makes me want to dance again.  You were too busy dancing with yourself to realize that I wasn’t feeling your rhythm.
Our time lasted a long time, longer than anticipated, and now it will be suspended almost too soon.  You’re the one that I want, and we’ll see where time takes us… When I get back, if you still have that rhythm, you bet I’ll know how to dance.

I think I see you sometimes, more often than I thought I ever would. It’s not that I wanted to ever stop seeing you, it’s not that I wanted you to be the person I only think I see from time to time. I know this period will end, and I’ll finally write you back. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do want to. I want to see you again. Seeing you in other people shows that I am looking for you, sometimes it’s subconscious, but other times I leave work hoping I’ll run into you. I don’t wonder what you think, well, maybe I do… but you made it clear what you did think, even if you were just getting it out there. I’ll write you back. I’ll tell you what I’ve thought and am thinking. We’ll reconnect, it’ll be just like it was. Won’t it? Oh, I don’t know. We don’t even have that much time before I leave and then, and then I know when I think I see you, I’ll just be searching to fill that void… that void that I can fill, by writing you back. I’ll write you back, you’ll see.

Quote:

When he walks he casts a shadow of purpose.  – Emme Woodhull-Bäche

A Gay Reality: Boston Pride 2009

The Boston Observer attends the Dyke March and the Gay Pride Parade.

Last week, the same week of Boston’s Pride, President Obama’s Justice Deparment wrote in support of the Defense of Marriage Act. This means Obama believes that if a person marries in Massachusetts and moves to Ohio, their marriage is null and void because Ohio does not have Gay Marriage. This is problematic for all of the obvious reasons; however, it also contradicts the position he took during his candidacy.

Yes, some of us should be able to be very happy, gay and complacent… But, for most of us complacency is a curse and the fight still continues. If there are people in this country who are denied certain rights because of where they live: then in a sense these rights do not exist. This is especially true in regards to the Gay Community. If a homosexual couple needs to move to a northern state in order to legalize their love, it is shared inequality. If a homosexual couple need to move away from their friends and family in order for their own family to be legally recognized, it is shared inequality. If a homosexual married couple cannot accept a position in another state because his or her partner may lose spousal benefits, it is shared inequality. Or as Martin Luther King, Junior said “Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” As a country we have fostered and survived on the belief that if a nation denies certain freedoms we continue to push for these freedoms, no questions asked. During the Civil Rights Movement, did African Americans say, “OK well, I guess we will have to accept that we will never be able to ride on the front of the bus in Alabama?” During the Women’s Rights Movement, did they say, “OK, we’ll only vote in the most populous cities?”

Small battles have been victorious. Thank you: Iowa, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Hampshire, and Maine. These victories show that the cause is gaining momentum, but these victories have also shown us that we do not live in the United States of America but the “Until all States of America.”

What do I mean by this?

- Until all States of America recognize that homosexuals can serve in the military without shame or fear.

- Until all States of America recognize that families with two women or two men are legally recognized.

- Until all States of America can recognize that homosexuals can love as deeply, truly and passionately as heterosexuals.

Until we can stop saying “until” we still have work to accomplish, rights to fight for, and steps to be taken in order to truly reflect a “United State” a true “land of the free.”

Massachusetts, we have a lot to be thankful for, happy for, even prideful for; however, let us not be blindsided by the success of our state or the state of our neighbors. There are people, fellow countrymen, who at this very moment are struggling through discrimination, and blatant injustice. Not too long ago I remember Massachusetts belonged to this group, but now that we have fought and won our piece it is time to help fight and win for the peace of others.
This article can also be found on: http://www.directoryofboston.com/blog/

A professor of mine had us watch a speech from the TED conferences, and she asked us to write a five-minute response as to what drives us right now…

What drives you?

There are times, or there have been situations where I think, well, this is it… how am I ever going to get myself out of this? Although these situations may seem catastrophic at the time, and sometimes even weeks afterwards, these are the situations that end up driving me later. I start to think… I didn’t give up then, why would I give up now?

College is a time where you are pushed into the pool of the world. Some of us swim. Some of us sink. Some of us just stay afloat. When obstacles arise, that’s when I find myself kicking into gear more than ever. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes it takes a couple of days to realize that I was letting that situation keep me still… stagnant. Motionless. Then I realize, if I let that hold me down, then I will eventually start to sink. Fortunately for me, I’ve been good about catching myself right before I start to go down…

What drives me? My mistakes, my optimism for the future, those who never believed in me, and those who believe in me no matter what…

I may not always have someone that understands, and I may not always understand others or myself… but the important thing doesn’t come from the understanding. The important thing is recognizing the willingness to conquer perfection, and the acceptance of falling short of that perfection.

Quote:

I always believed that fear belonged to other people. Weaker people. It never touched me. And then it did. And when it touches you, you know… that it’s been there all along… waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you loved. And your skin crawls… and your heart sickens… and you look at the person you once were walking down that streets… and you wonder, will you… will you ever be her again?

- The Brave One

I have spent a half hour watching different Oscar speeches, mainly for those who have won Best Actor/Actress. I have my favorites, and I have ones where I feel that their gratitude is not as well portrayed. We are celebrating the winners here, and although anyone nominated is considered a winner… I almost think the speeches of those who don’t quiet get there would be just as, if not more interesting than those of the “best.”

What happens to the losers? We so seldom hear their story.

We each have our own personal definition of losing and winning.

Here are two definitions as found on Dictionary.com:

Win:

“-verb (used without object)

1. to finish first in a race, contest, or the like.

2. to succeed by striving or effort: He applied for a scholarship and won.

3. to gain the victory; overcome an adversary: The home team won.

-verb (used with object)

4. to succeed in reaching (a place, condition, etc.), esp. by great effort: They won the shore through a violent storm.

5. to get by effort, as through labor, competition, or conquest: He won his post after years of striving.”

Lose

“-verb (used with object)

1. to come to be without (something in one’s possession or care), through accident, theft, etc., so that there is little or no prospect of recovery: I’m sure I’ve merely misplaced my hat, not lost it.

2. to fail inadvertently to retain (something) in such a way that it cannot be immediately recovered: I just lost a dime under this sofa.

14. to use to no purpose; waste: to lose time in waiting.

-verb (used without object)

23. to suffer loss: to lose on a contract.

24. to suffer defeat or fail to win, as in a contest, race, or game: We played well, but we lost.

25. to depreciate in effectiveness or in some other essential quality: a classic that loses in translation.”

The lessons learned from those who have lost, and always lose can be just as valuable as those that have lost and eventually won. Why does a loser continue if he never wins? Or is the fact that he continues why he is not really a loser in the first place? I think the day you become a real loser, is the day you give up.  But does that even really make you a loser? Sometimes you have to know your limits, and other times you have to know how to push yourself to get where you want to be.  I guess I am just grappling with examining my own sense of wins and losses.

Quote:

For when the One Great Scorer comes

To write against your name,

He marks-not that you won or lost-

But how you played the game.

-Grantland Rice

I was driving in the car and I saw two people that were best friends of mine in grade school. One of them saw me and immediately turned her head. We didn’t end our friendship on a bad note, it just faded away… so why is it that often when I see people from that era of time we pass by without acknowledgement. Is it because we are afraid that we will be confronted by why we stopped talking to each other? These people I once shared everything with became engraved into the past, as if to acknowledge them today would be to acknowledge that anything had existed in the first place. There is something strange about that to me. Today, I was just as guilty as she was because I chose not to acknowledge her either, and I could have. The reason, right or wrong, is that I think that we should let those times live forever in the past. There, I can remember them when I want and remember them fondly for what they were. I have never identified with people who look very unfavorably on times that were good because feelings had grown bad between those who they were with. Isn’t that all a part of growing up—growing apart—growing closer—finding those who are the right fit at the right time—some of those who last forever and some who last for a summer.
Those that you can always count to be in it forever, generally speaking, is your family. Last night I went out to dinner with my brother and my great aunt Angela who is officially 99 years old—even though my family thinks she is 100—she is definitely 99. She has endured 99 years of life, isn’t that remarkable? Through the Great Depression, through heartbreaks, death, smoking and stopping, a heart attack, a broken hip, and she still lives on… she drives to the store, she cleans the apartment she has been living in for the past 50 years, she lectures, prays, she laughs and she loves. We were on our way out to get this fish fry that she had been talking about since I arrived back in town last week. As we were heading out, I got her coat out of the closet and made sure she buttoned her top button. It wasn’t that long ago, when she would button the top button on my jacket before taking us out on a Saturday adventure. I remember she used to drive me to pick up my best friends and take us to the mall, and she was the sole supplier of my beanie baby collection. Anyways, as I was buttoning her top button it got me thinking about family, and time and age. Angela, who has seen so much, still is able to love and laugh; nothing warms my heart more. One of the things I miss most about being away for school is not being able to make her feel less lonely. Going out to dinner with her on a Friday night was more fulfilling than anything that I could have been doing.
I own this game called, Loaded Questions. In it you are asked questions and each player except for the one who is asking the question, writes down a response. One time the question was, “What do you hope your last words will be?” A friend of mine had written down, “I love you too.”
 
Quote:
We all take different paths in life. But no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere

Watching Mia Kirshner walk into the Harvard Bookstore Friday night was like watching television happen right in front of me. She waltzed in, made a face that she often does in her moments of excitement while playing Jenny Schecter (character on The L Word ).  I knew as soon as she walked in, that I was “star struck.”  I am not much for being awe-struck by seeing celebrities, but seeing a character from my favorite television show was really a lot of fun.  She was amazingly modest and genuinely kind, she seemed gentle by nature and sincerely concerned about the topic at hand. It is nice to know that some people are just how you imagine them to be.
Her book, I-Live-Here, is about raising awareness of the atrocities that are happening in four specific areas of the world. Her book is sponsored by Amnesty International and all proceeds of the book goes directly to them. To read more about her cause/book: http://i-live-here.com/# 
 
A few visuals: