When I cut through the freshman quad, which seems to be happening more frequently these days, I get this huge pang of nostalgia. While I am there, I see the steps where we used to gather for lunch or the place we would gather outside to take a break from a party which usually were in rooms much too small for the amount of people we would bring in them (I guess not everything has changed).  So many important things have happened in that quad.  I remember throwing the football around in the spring, or the $5 Frisbee, or just standing there trying to decide between east and west for lunch/dinner, the cigarettes smoked, the jokes made,  or just passing through the steps on the way to the library or on the way back from an adventure. I remember how it felt to be a freshman, how new everything was, how new all the people were. Nowadays, it’s become all familiar. I moved from Cleveland leaving my family there, the friends I had made there, and started a new family, new friends, and a new home – now these are the familiar faces that I see all the time. I’ll see these faces throughout the week at different places around campus, a wave here, a smile there, sometimes a dinner, always at a party. No longer do I see these faces on those steps that I pass on my way to the gym. Sometimes I expect Greg to come walking out in his BC jacket, or Jason having a smoke outside, but those times are long gone. Now these old faces are surrounded by new faces, new times, and it’s not to say that that current times are worse than the past or vice versa, I feel like all the times are perfect for the time they are.  I wouldn’t change my freshman year at all if I could and I wouldn’t change my sophomore year at all if I could. Needless to say, I can’t help but feel all those old memories come flooding by me as I walk to the gym.
Nowadays I have three windows in my bedroom. One, the one facing towards the city, I like to look out while I am writing or doing homework; I like to let the breeze hit me if it’s not too cold and feel the sounds of the city as they go by. At first I hated the sound of the T in the morning, but now I don’t even notice it, it’s all become home to me – we all have our definition of what home is though. It’s all very Carrie Bradshaw like, with the window open and me with my computer. No, I don’t have a brownstone, and I don’t live on a quiet street in NYC. I live arguably on one of the busiest streets in Boston, but the noises of the city coupled with the right light and nice breeze helps reiterate the feeling of wholeness. One should feel whole in their bedroom. I am going to miss this apartment; it’s in the best location, so many good memories made here. But, I’ll save the journaling about the pangs of nostalgia for when I walk by the front steps of this apartment to visit new friends next year.
 
Quote:
“As we grow up, we learn that the one person who isn’t supposed to let you down, probably will, and the one person that you never thought would be there for you, is. You’re going to have fights with your friends, you’re going to lose some of your friends, you may even fall in love with one of your friends. You will eventually lose someone you love, and love someone you never thought you’d find. People are going to hate you, love you, love to hate you, and hate to love you. But the ones who mean the most to you will always be there.” – Sex and The City

Why are people afraid to feel?
Since I have been at college I have often met people who afraid to feel, or to share feelings. I do understand why, because it is a scary thing to do. If you open yourself up to someone you risk being hurt, but as someone who has been hurt (and badly at that) I would say the hurt doesn’t hurt as bad as the good feels as good (can you follow?). So if the good outweighs the bad, then I have to ask again:
What is wrong with feeling and showing that feeling? This is applicable to more than just the romantic sense or the relational sense in general. If you disagree with someone shouldn’t you say it? While you are in class do you listen to what the teacher is saying and just accept it because he has a degree in the field and you don’t? Or do you question it because you shouldn’t just digest and accept everything you hear as fact? Or do you just sit there and think quietly to yourself what exactly it is you would say if you weren’t afraid to share your own opinion (feeling) on the situation?
What’s wrong with questions anyways?
Why don’t people like to answer them? Or, why is that when someone asks a lot of them instead of getting a lot of answers they are labeled as liking to ask questions? My favorite kinds of people are the ones that ask questions and answer them, whole heartedly. If I ask you a question it is because I whole heartedly want to hear what you think. How does one get to know more about someone else’s feelings if they aren’t going to share them? If I want to know, and they aren’t he sharing type, then I have to ask.
Uncertainty should be a part of life while it is being lived, but when it comes to relationships (of any kind familial or friendship or romantic) someone shouldn’t be afraid to feel what it is they feel. Yet we never do what we should do, let’s face it people a lot of times don’t even know what it is that we are feeling.
 
Quote:
We love the things we love for what they are. – Robert Frost in “Hyla Brook”

For whatever reason I cannot focus. I cannot think about these poems, and I love poetry. I cannot even really focus on the TV show I was happily watching. I feel like there are so many things choices and I can’t even focus on making a decision. I feel so frenzied, and I’m not sure if that’s the right word. I feel restless. I feel like something needs to be done.

I can’t believe that I only really have class Wednesday and Thursday this week. Maybe this frazzlness has to do with the reverse life I am living… a five day weekend and a two day school week. I tell ya it’s not normal! Or maybe it has to do with this one girl, who is on my mind.

If you happen to read this, I can’t stop thinking about you.

Quote:

“they were perfect, they were beautiful, they met in the middle of nowhere in the middle of nothing, and they kissed where everyone could see, no words, no before, no after, they kissed and it was perfect, it was beautiful, it was everything, it was nothing.” -davey havok

One thing that I have thought a lot about today is this:
Consistency.
I think a lot of times, especially in college, people (myself included) forget that things change. Just because you are in a certain position with a certain someone or something doesn’t mean it’s always going to be like that. Someone once told me that people don’t change they just reveal, or become more of who they are over time. I really believe this. People may do some bad things but they can do enough good things to counterbalance the bad and vice versa. Sometimes, when I get caught up with things and how they are and how they have been and where they are going, I try to remind myself that this is temporary. The good, the bad, it’s all going to change and flip and flop. I love how college just brings this air of uncertainty. I never really know what’s going to happen at this party or that event; I guess all of what I am saying is pretty cliché but that’s me I guess.
I like to think I counterbalance my constant clichés with my weird/unique name – at least I know that’s one constant I’m stuck with.
Quote:

“Look to the past
And remember and smile” – Blink 182
 
I guess it’s not really a quote, but I thought it was fitting.

I was just looking up quotes on wikiquote. I was flipping through the Dawson’s Creek ones. And I stumbled across this quote by Joey (Katie Holmes):

” Dawson, I think it’s time that I let you go. And it’s really hard for me to do because I know that there’s a part of me that will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But this whole running and place and day dreaming is just not healthy for either of us. So this is me cutting the cord, this is me doing what I should have done three months ago. Say goodbye, Dawson. Call me back. Bye.”

If you’ve been in one of those relationship, then you know exactly what I am saying by posting this quote. Because it’s so true! It’s so so true! This is exactly how you feel when you’re at a party and you’ve just broken up with someone, but not just someone  — someone who changed you and helped make you who you are today.

Today wasn’t the best day for me. A lot of things went wrong.
I bought this jacket at H&M for 35 dollars right before Thanksgiving break. It worked wonderfully and it was the best deal I found for a nice, black winter jacket. Out of nowhere, the jacket’s zipper stopped working. I frequently try zipping it but it always gets stuck or breaks in the middle somewhere. It’s been about a month since I’ve realized that it’s broken. Still, sometimes, on days like today… when it’s really cold, and really snowy…. I’ll think that by some chance the jacket will pull through for me.
Today, I went to zip my jacket up again… and it didn’t work. I guess something’s you can’t fix no matter how much you hope you can. The only way things get fixed is if you make the effort to get it fixed; things don’t really fix themselves over time.
And here I thought zippers always held it together.

So for our GLBT & allies school club I decided to have my own column called “Dear Gabby” it’s just kind of a fun thing to do. I came up with the questions this time because I don’t have anyone to ask them yet, but I made up an e-mail and maybe I’ll get some fun articles next month. — Enjoy

^ the picture that accompanies my article

Dear Gabby
by NUBiLaGAN — me
Send in your own question to deargabbydear@gmail.com

DEAR GABBY: I am thinking of surprising my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day by taking her out to a really nice restaurant. I don’t have a ton of cash to blow, but I do want to make it really romantic. My girlfriend is a vegetarian and can’t eat where there are bright lights (they give her headaches). Do you think you could suggest someplace? –STUMPED IN SPEARE

DEAR STUMPED: Ten Tables, a charming restaurant on Centre Street in Jamaica Plain (a popular homo hotspot), provides the exact ambiance that you seem to be looking for. When you walk into the front door, be prepared to be overwhelmed by a quiet sophistication and a romantic air that invites you to sit closely with your lover at one of the ten tables. Each is gently lit by candlelight, so your girlfriend can experience a headache-free meal and gaze softly into your eyes. The wait staff is dressed in all black and the restaurant, although small, leaves you feeling like you and your lover are the only ones in the room. The menu is equally balanced for both meat eaters and vegetarians and the prices per entrée are around fifteen to twenty dollars. Ten Tables is perfect for the romantic dinner on Valentine’s Day (but book your reservations early, because their ten tables fill up quickly) or just a sensuous dinner with your secret lover.

Ten Tables
597 Centre Street Jamaica Plain, MA 02130
Mon-Thurs: 5:30pm to10pm Fri/Sat: 5:30pm to 10:30pm
Sun: 5pm-9pm
Call (617) 524-8810 for reservations.

DEAR GABBY: I am sure you get this all the time, but I am single and Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. SO many of my friends are coupled and here I am wallowing in self-pity. Where do I go? How can I enjoy myself when all I will be able to do is point out all the reasons why no boys want me? Please tell me that there is something I can do to feel better about this stagnant portion of my life.

–WALLOWING WEST VILLAGER

DEAR WALLOWER: First of all, listen to me when I say, it is okay to be single on Valentine’s Day! Keep your head up, and don’t put yourself down because all that wallowing won’t get you anywhere. My heart does go out to you, because as a single person myself, it is hard not to get caught up in all the lovey dovey-ness that is all around you. The thing is wallower, I could sit here and recommend you different spas, movies, restaurants, and other things to do – but ultimately what you have to do is something that makes you happy. If that means asking your best friend to come over and trashing all these corny love flicks together, or just going out and doing some basic 101 retail therapy, then go out and do it. Don’t let the fact that you are single prohibit you from going out and doing things that you would do if you did have that other person. At least you get to treat yourself to a good meal while not bothering to worry about restaurants that may cause someone else a headache

I was just watching Allan take a nap on the couch of the Nubilaga office. I love the way a person looks when they are in that tranquil state; when someone looks really comfortable and actually are really comfortable. That is, as it seems to me, when they are the most themselves. During the most human tranquil state, or right before or right after someone is sleeping, when a person just seems to exist. Don’t get me wrong, people when they are out busy living are still very much out existing; however, it is not the same as that quiet, subtle existence of them and their rest.
While people are out living their daily lives, that is when they are building who they are. When people are resting by themselves they are just them and the most themselves than any other part of the day.
 
Quote:
 
Right here in this moment is right where I’m meant to be.