It's OK to be afraid.

As I was sitting with Matt today I had told him that I wished he had a blog. He proceeded to tell me that he feels like when you write something that can be read by anyone, it puts a censor on what can be written. Which got me thinking about the different purposes of blogging. What is the point of writing about your feelings if you cannot allow your whole thoughts to gush out with each sentence?  Sometimes I am tempted to write exactly how I feel, to just say it, with reckless abandon, but then again that’s what my personal journal is for. However, maybe if I did specifically say when “Susan” did this to me in April, it made me feel “…” It would allow for a more personal connection between the writer and the reader. Or, it would be more beneficial to me to actually write out things specifically instead of trying to sugarcoat or say things in an ambiguous manner. 

Tonight, I am going to write about my feelings in two ways one will be the ambiguous and the other will be straightforward:

Incidences that are Metaphors for life this weekend:

-       I was getting into the sailboat, when my partner got in before I was where I needed to be. The boat tipped over and we both were swimming in the gross dock water. With a small ladder and a strong arm I was able to get out.

-       Sometimes, in the most peculiar places, I will find a penny heads up.

-       I broke a mirror.

-       I watched Gone with the Wind but only the parts that Rhett Butler and Scarlett are interacting. My heart still breaks when he ends up leaving on a misunderstanding.

-       Scarlett definitely will get him back.

-       There is a lot of serious junk in the trunk of my car.

-       I need to clear out my storage facility in Jamaica Plain.

-       I deleted people on FB who don’t say hi to me in real life.

I am scared. I am scared that I am not going to finish the goals I have for myself this summer. I am scared that even though I know that they are attainable, the only way of getting them done is to actually do it. I am scared that if I don’t go back to Cleveland this summer I may not get to see my great aunt Angela (age 99) before she dies.  She’s one of the people in this world that don’t know how much I love her and I need to do a better job of expressing my appreciation for her. I miss my mom and my dad, even though I act like I don’t. When you live on your own, there isn’t always that friendly face or that pat on the back that you get when you’ve just fallen off the boat. The other day when I fell out of the sailboat into the water, I felt really grownup, it may sound like a silly thing to say, but when you publically make mistakes there used to be a time where someone was right there telling you don’t worry, get up, try again. However, that’s the way life is. Your parents do all they can do and you either learn from it or you don’t, or you just keep going until you learn on your own.

I am scared that by saying what I am afraid of it makes me seem insignificant. Like I am just another kid talking about all of these little kid ideas that should have died off when I was 19, I’m 20 now goddamnit, grow-up, be a (wo)man. At the sametime, today when I was telling Matt about my fears of never finding someone… he reminded me that we are only 20, that we really are just kids. It’s true, like Anais Nin says, ““We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” I feel like this quote is something that anyone can relate to. It reminds me that I am not alone in the growing process. That just because I am a certain age, it doesn’t mean I need to be doing a certain thing because that’s what I have been raised to believe; that growing-up is all about becoming more of who you are. That in some ways you can still be a kid and still be an adult at the same time. How am I still a kid?:  My optimistic perspective on people/life; I believe that by picking up heads up pennys I have better luck; I am worried that breaking the mirror while moving will bring me seven years of bad luck; I believe that I will fall in love and live happily ever after; I believe that I will find the job of my dreams. I’m so corny, I think that it something I can add to the list. Or that’s not something you grow out of huh? I don’t think people like corny people.

I am afraid that I ask too many questions about everything, to everyone. I am afraid that I am too random, that it makes me seem insincere. I am afraid that I won’t pay off the high debts that I have. And that even though I’ll save money living in the suburbs of RI, that the slow pace of things will make me wish otherwise. I am afraid of being judged for who I am, both physically and internally… but even though that scares me, I will not compromise who I am for anyone. That’s something that I really admire about my friend Matt, he never compromises himself for anyone.

The thing is though, even though that I am afraid of all of these things. I am not afraid to take a chance. I am not afraid to make myself seem ridiculous or silly, because that’s just as much a part of me as my brown eyes or my curly hair.

I think I got off track somewhere around here, but hey, it’s a blog… it doesn’t have to make sense.

To the movies.

Quote:

“Haven’t you figured out yet that you are the only one who can do what you do, the way you do it? Don’t you realize that the world is waiting for you?”  -Iyanla Vanzant

This entry was posted on June 2, 2008 at June 2, 2008 and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.