When we said goodbye in January, I thought I’d be returning to you: even if it were just as friends, and I was ok with that- because I always wanted you to be a part of my life – a major part of my life. You’ve done me a lot of favors since I’ve been gone, but I don’t understand the cool distance that has now settled between us. I would do anything for it not to exist. I have never been as close to anyone as I had been with you, and how we are now hurts me. What hurts the most though is just knowing that you actively do not want me part of your life, or have actively given me that impression. When I ran into you the other day, I missed my friend, the person I knew I could always turn to, my most loyal companion whom I understood and understood me. I did not feel those longing for love feelings I felt once upon a time. It’s all about the friendship and the connection that we have lost, and the fact that you make it look so easy. I have never experienced such a loss knowing that the loss is one sided. It makes me wonder about how I was in our relationship: Wasn’t I good to you? Did I provide any emotional support for you? Or was our closeness just a figment of my imagination? It sure feels like it was, but I try not to let myself get lost thinking that. I just want to be friends. It scares me to think about how close you can become with someone and then in a matter of a few short months they can totally turn their back on you and c’est la vie it’s like you never existed.  Just because I went to Australia and had these other experiences, it does not replace what we had. I always said, before we became close, that I believed everybody was replaceable (to a certain extent). You always would argue with me about how ridiculous and sad it is to think that way, but losing you reminds me why I had thought that way to begin with. I have wanted to call and tell you these things, but I have gotten the impression that you don’t want to hear it. I thought about calling you and telling you that I want to be friends, and I thought about asking why why why, but it’s been clear that you don’t want to be friends (at least close friends right now). So if you find yourself reading these words, know that I don’t understand what has happened, know that I don’t like what has happened, know that I wish we could rekindle our connection as two people who understand each other, know that I miss you, and know that even though it hurts me that you’re gone—I hope you are happy.

“It’s sad when people you know, become people you knew.”

This is one of the few moments where I don’t actually want to lose what I have with someone. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to end a relationship because of the timing and the distance that inevitably would not work well together. This is the first time, however, I’ve had to do it without some kind of hard feelings to remember in order to make it ending it easier. This is the first time I’ve broken up with someone who I whole heartedly felt like it was just too soon, just not fair. My stomach feels that sinking feeling, it reminds me of the “familiar pain” that Dan Fogelberg sings about in his “Same Old Lang Syne.” It’s a mixture of loss, pain, nostalgia and just plain fear. Although it isn’t necessarily the end, I’m treating it as if it is, otherwise I’d be hanging on to a false hope – and nothing tricks you more than false hopes. I hate this feeling; it makes me never want to be in a relationship again. I miss having my companion. The person I shared everything with. I am re-learning what it is to be alone, to sleep alone, to go out alone, and I am left here, feeling this loss, alone. I wish I didn’t, but I love and miss you… more than I ever have anybody in this way.

Quote:

“Life sucks in a good way: falling in love, falling in hate, getting hurt, and getting laid; what’s one without the other? But when it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you’re happy, and othertimes you smile just because you survived. Yet in the end, a smile is a smile.” – Happy Campers

A professor of mine had us watch a speech from the TED conferences, and she asked us to write a five-minute response as to what drives us right now…

What drives you?

There are times, or there have been situations where I think, well, this is it… how am I ever going to get myself out of this? Although these situations may seem catastrophic at the time, and sometimes even weeks afterwards, these are the situations that end up driving me later. I start to think… I didn’t give up then, why would I give up now?

College is a time where you are pushed into the pool of the world. Some of us swim. Some of us sink. Some of us just stay afloat. When obstacles arise, that’s when I find myself kicking into gear more than ever. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes it takes a couple of days to realize that I was letting that situation keep me still… stagnant. Motionless. Then I realize, if I let that hold me down, then I will eventually start to sink. Fortunately for me, I’ve been good about catching myself right before I start to go down…

What drives me? My mistakes, my optimism for the future, those who never believed in me, and those who believe in me no matter what…

I may not always have someone that understands, and I may not always understand others or myself… but the important thing doesn’t come from the understanding. The important thing is recognizing the willingness to conquer perfection, and the acceptance of falling short of that perfection.

Quote:

I always believed that fear belonged to other people. Weaker people. It never touched me. And then it did. And when it touches you, you know… that it’s been there all along… waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you loved. And your skin crawls… and your heart sickens… and you look at the person you once were walking down that streets… and you wonder, will you… will you ever be her again?

- The Brave One

I was driving in the car and I saw two people that were best friends of mine in grade school. One of them saw me and immediately turned her head. We didn’t end our friendship on a bad note, it just faded away… so why is it that often when I see people from that era of time we pass by without acknowledgement. Is it because we are afraid that we will be confronted by why we stopped talking to each other? These people I once shared everything with became engraved into the past, as if to acknowledge them today would be to acknowledge that anything had existed in the first place. There is something strange about that to me. Today, I was just as guilty as she was because I chose not to acknowledge her either, and I could have. The reason, right or wrong, is that I think that we should let those times live forever in the past. There, I can remember them when I want and remember them fondly for what they were. I have never identified with people who look very unfavorably on times that were good because feelings had grown bad between those who they were with. Isn’t that all a part of growing up—growing apart—growing closer—finding those who are the right fit at the right time—some of those who last forever and some who last for a summer.
Those that you can always count to be in it forever, generally speaking, is your family. Last night I went out to dinner with my brother and my great aunt Angela who is officially 99 years old—even though my family thinks she is 100—she is definitely 99. She has endured 99 years of life, isn’t that remarkable? Through the Great Depression, through heartbreaks, death, smoking and stopping, a heart attack, a broken hip, and she still lives on… she drives to the store, she cleans the apartment she has been living in for the past 50 years, she lectures, prays, she laughs and she loves. We were on our way out to get this fish fry that she had been talking about since I arrived back in town last week. As we were heading out, I got her coat out of the closet and made sure she buttoned her top button. It wasn’t that long ago, when she would button the top button on my jacket before taking us out on a Saturday adventure. I remember she used to drive me to pick up my best friends and take us to the mall, and she was the sole supplier of my beanie baby collection. Anyways, as I was buttoning her top button it got me thinking about family, and time and age. Angela, who has seen so much, still is able to love and laugh; nothing warms my heart more. One of the things I miss most about being away for school is not being able to make her feel less lonely. Going out to dinner with her on a Friday night was more fulfilling than anything that I could have been doing.
I own this game called, Loaded Questions. In it you are asked questions and each player except for the one who is asking the question, writes down a response. One time the question was, “What do you hope your last words will be?” A friend of mine had written down, “I love you too.”
 
Quote:
We all take different paths in life. But no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere

Our humanity was blessed with 5 ways to experience life (the five senses), but in our society beauty is most commonly assigned to what is visually appealing.  If one is asked to describe someone beautiful, all too often this person will describe each physically appealing quality: She has hair that shines in the sun, her skin the color of caramel, etc.
Rarely, if one is asked to describe someone beautiful, do they touch upon each of the senses… For example: Her skin is so beautiful, it feels like a soft peach.  Her voice is so beautiful to listen to; it is more soothing than a warm bath. She smells more beautifully than candles, or baking cookies, or Chanel. She is so beautiful that she has her own taste; a taste of which they should make candies after.
Needless to say there is nothing wrong with indulging in the physical beauty, but let us not neglect the beauty of all the other senses.  Those who are able to appreciate all five senses make for the best lovers, for they want to cater to each of your senses while indulging in your total beauty.
 
Quote:
Beauty?… To me it is a word without sense because I do not know where its meaning comes from nor where it leads to.  - Pablo Picasso
 
 
 
 

When things go wrong it is hard to remind yourself that the problem is not going to last forever; that even though it feels like it never is going to end, it will. My favorite Shakespeare quote is, “This too shall pass.” Simply because that is the one constant I have found in life… No matter the situation, good or bad, it will pass. So does that cliché, “Good things come to those who wait” become null if you follow Shakespeare’s words? Sure, good things come to those who wait, but that is because each state of being is essentially temporary.
 
Another reason I disagree with the saying, “Good things come to those who wait” is because it sounds as if you are just waiting around for the next thing to happen without working towards that good thing. I will say at least the saying isn’t, “Bad things will come to those who are busy” but that does seem to ring slightly true. It seems that I have the least amount of luck when I am the most proactive; I have never had a bad experience happen to me while I was sitting around waiting for something or someone.
 
When I have been proactive about my feelings for someone, sure enough, their inevitable disinterest in me occurs. If I would have waited would things have been different? Would there have been a good outcome? I don’t really think so, but I will continue in order to prove my point. When I was just waiting in line to buy a pack of gum back in April, I happened to find a $100 bill. It happened to be at a time when I was low on cash… Is this an example of a good thing happening to someone who was patiently waiting? I don’t think so. So often while I am busy doing one thing another thing will pass me by, if I had been waiting for that “good” thing would it have happened? Maybe, maybe not. I guess that’s when you throw in that other cliché, “everything happens for a reason.”
 
I do understand the real definition of the saying, that it is implied that you are working towards that goal while you are waiting for that “good thing.”
 
 
I have goals, but sometimes I make mistakes which create detours in my roads along the way. At times these detours will teach me more about myself than I ever could have realized and they teach me about the people in my life. They re-prioritize my priorities and make me realize how easily things can change what I have taken for granted. Small liberties taken away can result in big changes, ones I may never have noticed… Someone once told me that I wasn’t learning from my mistakes, but I don’t know how anyone can judge that except for me. Maybe they have learned something from the mistakes I have made and that something is inherently different than what I learned from the experience. I guess it makes sense that we each would take different things away from different experiences shared.
 
Oh well, I’m sure I’ll feel differently later.
 
Quote:
 
I may not be there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.
 
 
 
 
 
.

I have started this new thing. When I work out, I like to do my cardio first because that is what I find the most trying. I like to get the difficult things out of the way in order to let myself know, it just is going to keep getting easier. Sometimes when I am running on the treadmill it feels like I am running downhill, but the way I interpret is that with each step I am closer to becoming who I want to be: a faster, stronger, sexier, irresistible, me.
Like I said I have started this new thing, where after I do my cardio and then my lifting and my stretching, I go back on the treadmill. I go back on the treadmill and I run a quarter mile as hard as I can. Why do I do this? To let out the frustrations in my life… The frustrations of the past: the things people have said to me, the things that have brought me down and left me feeling helpless, the things that I think about when new frustrations occur, the things that lead me to question my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. The potential frustrations of the future: the new people I meet who will have preconceived notions of who I am, where I have been, and where I want to go. And, of course, the frustrations of the present: the things that pull on the back strings of my mind when I feel like giving in, the things that cause self bewilderment, the things that push me to no longer be a joke to those who are fortunate enough to be the objects of my affection. I want to have the last laugh.
Oh and until then, my body cries sweat and my mind makes dreams of former setbacks. My soul works as a machine, it takes remarks, glances, and the will to succeed and compounds them into one and then feeds it to me for breakfast, lunch, dinner and those snacks in between. I feed myself on the need to be better, to be someone that my parents can say, “that’s my girl” and to be the girl that others girls say, “I wish she was my girl.” I want other people to be able to see the blacks of my eyes as symbols of the dark passion that rests under the genetic makeup of a carefree kid.