When we said goodbye in January, I thought I’d be returning to you: even if it were just as friends, and I was ok with that- because I always wanted you to be a part of my life – a major part of my life. You’ve done me a lot of favors since I’ve been gone, but I don’t understand the cool distance that has now settled between us. I would do anything for it not to exist. I have never been as close to anyone as I had been with you, and how we are now hurts me. What hurts the most though is just knowing that you actively do not want me part of your life, or have actively given me that impression. When I ran into you the other day, I missed my friend, the person I knew I could always turn to, my most loyal companion whom I understood and understood me. I did not feel those longing for love feelings I felt once upon a time. It’s all about the friendship and the connection that we have lost, and the fact that you make it look so easy. I have never experienced such a loss knowing that the loss is one sided. It makes me wonder about how I was in our relationship: Wasn’t I good to you? Did I provide any emotional support for you? Or was our closeness just a figment of my imagination? It sure feels like it was, but I try not to let myself get lost thinking that. I just want to be friends. It scares me to think about how close you can become with someone and then in a matter of a few short months they can totally turn their back on you and c’est la vie it’s like you never existed.  Just because I went to Australia and had these other experiences, it does not replace what we had. I always said, before we became close, that I believed everybody was replaceable (to a certain extent). You always would argue with me about how ridiculous and sad it is to think that way, but losing you reminds me why I had thought that way to begin with. I have wanted to call and tell you these things, but I have gotten the impression that you don’t want to hear it. I thought about calling you and telling you that I want to be friends, and I thought about asking why why why, but it’s been clear that you don’t want to be friends (at least close friends right now). So if you find yourself reading these words, know that I don’t understand what has happened, know that I don’t like what has happened, know that I wish we could rekindle our connection as two people who understand each other, know that I miss you, and know that even though it hurts me that you’re gone—I hope you are happy.

“It’s sad when people you know, become people you knew.”

This is one of the few moments where I don’t actually want to lose what I have with someone. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to end a relationship because of the timing and the distance that inevitably would not work well together. This is the first time, however, I’ve had to do it without some kind of hard feelings to remember in order to make it ending it easier. This is the first time I’ve broken up with someone who I whole heartedly felt like it was just too soon, just not fair. My stomach feels that sinking feeling, it reminds me of the “familiar pain” that Dan Fogelberg sings about in his “Same Old Lang Syne.” It’s a mixture of loss, pain, nostalgia and just plain fear. Although it isn’t necessarily the end, I’m treating it as if it is, otherwise I’d be hanging on to a false hope – and nothing tricks you more than false hopes. I hate this feeling; it makes me never want to be in a relationship again. I miss having my companion. The person I shared everything with. I am re-learning what it is to be alone, to sleep alone, to go out alone, and I am left here, feeling this loss, alone. I wish I didn’t, but I love and miss you… more than I ever have anybody in this way.

Quote:

“Life sucks in a good way: falling in love, falling in hate, getting hurt, and getting laid; what’s one without the other? But when it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you’re happy, and othertimes you smile just because you survived. Yet in the end, a smile is a smile.” – Happy Campers

Our time was fleeting, and not because of the amount of time we were allotted. Our time was short because my feelings did not last long for you. At first I was hooked, but after the lust faded I wanted to be with her, the one I am supposed to be with. The one who gets me, she doesn’t have to strain in order to know how to talk to me, or how to please me. The one I sometimes forget I do lust for. Even when I’ve lost my rhythm, just when I think it’s gone, she makes me want to dance again.  You were too busy dancing with yourself to realize that I wasn’t feeling your rhythm.
Our time lasted a long time, longer than anticipated, and now it will be suspended almost too soon.  You’re the one that I want, and we’ll see where time takes us… When I get back, if you still have that rhythm, you bet I’ll know how to dance.