A professor of mine had us watch a speech from the TED conferences, and she asked us to write a five-minute response as to what drives us right now…

What drives you?

There are times, or there have been situations where I think, well, this is it… how am I ever going to get myself out of this? Although these situations may seem catastrophic at the time, and sometimes even weeks afterwards, these are the situations that end up driving me later. I start to think… I didn’t give up then, why would I give up now?

College is a time where you are pushed into the pool of the world. Some of us swim. Some of us sink. Some of us just stay afloat. When obstacles arise, that’s when I find myself kicking into gear more than ever. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes it takes a couple of days to realize that I was letting that situation keep me still… stagnant. Motionless. Then I realize, if I let that hold me down, then I will eventually start to sink. Fortunately for me, I’ve been good about catching myself right before I start to go down…

What drives me? My mistakes, my optimism for the future, those who never believed in me, and those who believe in me no matter what…

I may not always have someone that understands, and I may not always understand others or myself… but the important thing doesn’t come from the understanding. The important thing is recognizing the willingness to conquer perfection, and the acceptance of falling short of that perfection.

Quote:

I always believed that fear belonged to other people. Weaker people. It never touched me. And then it did. And when it touches you, you know… that it’s been there all along… waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you loved. And your skin crawls… and your heart sickens… and you look at the person you once were walking down that streets… and you wonder, will you… will you ever be her again?

- The Brave One

I was driving in the car and I saw two people that were best friends of mine in grade school. One of them saw me and immediately turned her head. We didn’t end our friendship on a bad note, it just faded away… so why is it that often when I see people from that era of time we pass by without acknowledgement. Is it because we are afraid that we will be confronted by why we stopped talking to each other? These people I once shared everything with became engraved into the past, as if to acknowledge them today would be to acknowledge that anything had existed in the first place. There is something strange about that to me. Today, I was just as guilty as she was because I chose not to acknowledge her either, and I could have. The reason, right or wrong, is that I think that we should let those times live forever in the past. There, I can remember them when I want and remember them fondly for what they were. I have never identified with people who look very unfavorably on times that were good because feelings had grown bad between those who they were with. Isn’t that all a part of growing up—growing apart—growing closer—finding those who are the right fit at the right time—some of those who last forever and some who last for a summer.
Those that you can always count to be in it forever, generally speaking, is your family. Last night I went out to dinner with my brother and my great aunt Angela who is officially 99 years old—even though my family thinks she is 100—she is definitely 99. She has endured 99 years of life, isn’t that remarkable? Through the Great Depression, through heartbreaks, death, smoking and stopping, a heart attack, a broken hip, and she still lives on… she drives to the store, she cleans the apartment she has been living in for the past 50 years, she lectures, prays, she laughs and she loves. We were on our way out to get this fish fry that she had been talking about since I arrived back in town last week. As we were heading out, I got her coat out of the closet and made sure she buttoned her top button. It wasn’t that long ago, when she would button the top button on my jacket before taking us out on a Saturday adventure. I remember she used to drive me to pick up my best friends and take us to the mall, and she was the sole supplier of my beanie baby collection. Anyways, as I was buttoning her top button it got me thinking about family, and time and age. Angela, who has seen so much, still is able to love and laugh; nothing warms my heart more. One of the things I miss most about being away for school is not being able to make her feel less lonely. Going out to dinner with her on a Friday night was more fulfilling than anything that I could have been doing.
I own this game called, Loaded Questions. In it you are asked questions and each player except for the one who is asking the question, writes down a response. One time the question was, “What do you hope your last words will be?” A friend of mine had written down, “I love you too.”
 
Quote:
We all take different paths in life. But no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere

When things go wrong it is hard to remind yourself that the problem is not going to last forever; that even though it feels like it never is going to end, it will. My favorite Shakespeare quote is, “This too shall pass.” Simply because that is the one constant I have found in life… No matter the situation, good or bad, it will pass. So does that cliché, “Good things come to those who wait” become null if you follow Shakespeare’s words? Sure, good things come to those who wait, but that is because each state of being is essentially temporary.
 
Another reason I disagree with the saying, “Good things come to those who wait” is because it sounds as if you are just waiting around for the next thing to happen without working towards that good thing. I will say at least the saying isn’t, “Bad things will come to those who are busy” but that does seem to ring slightly true. It seems that I have the least amount of luck when I am the most proactive; I have never had a bad experience happen to me while I was sitting around waiting for something or someone.
 
When I have been proactive about my feelings for someone, sure enough, their inevitable disinterest in me occurs. If I would have waited would things have been different? Would there have been a good outcome? I don’t really think so, but I will continue in order to prove my point. When I was just waiting in line to buy a pack of gum back in April, I happened to find a $100 bill. It happened to be at a time when I was low on cash… Is this an example of a good thing happening to someone who was patiently waiting? I don’t think so. So often while I am busy doing one thing another thing will pass me by, if I had been waiting for that “good” thing would it have happened? Maybe, maybe not. I guess that’s when you throw in that other cliché, “everything happens for a reason.”
 
I do understand the real definition of the saying, that it is implied that you are working towards that goal while you are waiting for that “good thing.”
 
 
I have goals, but sometimes I make mistakes which create detours in my roads along the way. At times these detours will teach me more about myself than I ever could have realized and they teach me about the people in my life. They re-prioritize my priorities and make me realize how easily things can change what I have taken for granted. Small liberties taken away can result in big changes, ones I may never have noticed… Someone once told me that I wasn’t learning from my mistakes, but I don’t know how anyone can judge that except for me. Maybe they have learned something from the mistakes I have made and that something is inherently different than what I learned from the experience. I guess it makes sense that we each would take different things away from different experiences shared.
 
Oh well, I’m sure I’ll feel differently later.
 
Quote:
 
I may not be there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.
 
 
 
 
 
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I was on the Internet, late (similarly to how I am now) when I received an instant message from a person I did not recognize. Usually when you receive an IM from someone you do not know it usually means one of three things:
1.)   They added you a long time ago when they were randomly stalking people one night.
2.)   They accidently IMed you
3.)   Trouble

I’ve been trying really hard to find a solo trumpet album, or a song even; just one sad, solo trumpet. Today, while at Barnes and Nobel I decided to add to my search a saxophone. I couldn’t find that either.
Isn’t that how it usually works though? People don’t find what they are looking for, they are supposed to find what they are supposed to find. Which can be what they are looking for, but a lot of times ends up being something totally different. And undeniably sometimes you end up with nothing, flat out nothing. But try and hold your breath and not be disappointed. Sometimes it is something you don’t realize that you need, and when it makes its way into your pocket (or your life) you realize, jeez I am way better with this here, than I ever was when I didn’t have it.
Today, I did find something. Chris Botti’s version of “Someone To Watch Over Me” Although not exactly how I pictured my solo trumpet song to sound, it definitely creates the feeling that I imagined it would. I actually feel the music and understand the music, whether I want to or not. Now that’s art, when the piece is able to grab you and turn you and pull you without you needing to give yourself to it. Even though you can’t really define art, I think that’s a close step in the right direction.
Today a dear friend of mine shared with me an explanation for certain types of people. She said she borrowed this from her other friend, but whatever… Someone, somewhere, said this. That the reason people get hooked on people who twist you about, and leave you knowing that things will never be more than what they are. Is because these people are CAPTIVATING. Be warned. These people are captivating and although they can easily swallow you, they aren’t the people you wind up with, but the people that fuck you up. They fuck you up because they make you believe that something is wrong with you. You may start to question yourself… doubt yourself… Why don’t they like me? Is it because I’m not skinny enough? Is it because I’m not artistic enough? Is it THIS Or That? No, no, no. “The problem isn’t you, it’s them…. “ or “it’s not you it’s me” Well, that’s what they say anyways. I can’t even learn this, but it’s happened so many times to me. I thought you’re supposed to learn how to avoid these situations. Isn’t the best teacher experience itself?
Here is my latest project; hopefully there will be more soon. I am going to create another blog where I explain why I chose the images I chose with the words I wrote.
First, a quote:
“Perhaps the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most, because as it’s been said, without reason and without prudence, the heart wants what the heart wants, and more often than not, it will not be denied.” –Mary, In Plain Sight