When we said goodbye in January, I thought I’d be returning to you: even if it were just as friends, and I was ok with that- because I always wanted you to be a part of my life – a major part of my life. You’ve done me a lot of favors since I’ve been gone, but I don’t understand the cool distance that has now settled between us. I would do anything for it not to exist. I have never been as close to anyone as I had been with you, and how we are now hurts me. What hurts the most though is just knowing that you actively do not want me part of your life, or have actively given me that impression. When I ran into you the other day, I missed my friend, the person I knew I could always turn to, my most loyal companion whom I understood and understood me. I did not feel those longing for love feelings I felt once upon a time. It’s all about the friendship and the connection that we have lost, and the fact that you make it look so easy. I have never experienced such a loss knowing that the loss is one sided. It makes me wonder about how I was in our relationship: Wasn’t I good to you? Did I provide any emotional support for you? Or was our closeness just a figment of my imagination? It sure feels like it was, but I try not to let myself get lost thinking that. I just want to be friends. It scares me to think about how close you can become with someone and then in a matter of a few short months they can totally turn their back on you and c’est la vie it’s like you never existed.  Just because I went to Australia and had these other experiences, it does not replace what we had. I always said, before we became close, that I believed everybody was replaceable (to a certain extent). You always would argue with me about how ridiculous and sad it is to think that way, but losing you reminds me why I had thought that way to begin with. I have wanted to call and tell you these things, but I have gotten the impression that you don’t want to hear it. I thought about calling you and telling you that I want to be friends, and I thought about asking why why why, but it’s been clear that you don’t want to be friends (at least close friends right now). So if you find yourself reading these words, know that I don’t understand what has happened, know that I don’t like what has happened, know that I wish we could rekindle our connection as two people who understand each other, know that I miss you, and know that even though it hurts me that you’re gone—I hope you are happy.

I think I see you sometimes, more often than I thought I ever would. It’s not that I wanted to ever stop seeing you, it’s not that I wanted you to be the person I only think I see from time to time. I know this period will end, and I’ll finally write you back. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do want to. I want to see you again. Seeing you in other people shows that I am looking for you, sometimes it’s subconscious, but other times I leave work hoping I’ll run into you. I don’t wonder what you think, well, maybe I do… but you made it clear what you did think, even if you were just getting it out there. I’ll write you back. I’ll tell you what I’ve thought and am thinking. We’ll reconnect, it’ll be just like it was. Won’t it? Oh, I don’t know. We don’t even have that much time before I leave and then, and then I know when I think I see you, I’ll just be searching to fill that void… that void that I can fill, by writing you back. I’ll write you back, you’ll see.

Quote:

When he walks he casts a shadow of purpose.  – Emme Woodhull-Bäche

A Gay Reality: Boston Pride 2009

The Boston Observer attends the Dyke March and the Gay Pride Parade.

Last week, the same week of Boston’s Pride, President Obama’s Justice Deparment wrote in support of the Defense of Marriage Act. This means Obama believes that if a person marries in Massachusetts and moves to Ohio, their marriage is null and void because Ohio does not have Gay Marriage. This is problematic for all of the obvious reasons; however, it also contradicts the position he took during his candidacy.

Yes, some of us should be able to be very happy, gay and complacent… But, for most of us complacency is a curse and the fight still continues. If there are people in this country who are denied certain rights because of where they live: then in a sense these rights do not exist. This is especially true in regards to the Gay Community. If a homosexual couple needs to move to a northern state in order to legalize their love, it is shared inequality. If a homosexual couple need to move away from their friends and family in order for their own family to be legally recognized, it is shared inequality. If a homosexual married couple cannot accept a position in another state because his or her partner may lose spousal benefits, it is shared inequality. Or as Martin Luther King, Junior said “Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” As a country we have fostered and survived on the belief that if a nation denies certain freedoms we continue to push for these freedoms, no questions asked. During the Civil Rights Movement, did African Americans say, “OK well, I guess we will have to accept that we will never be able to ride on the front of the bus in Alabama?” During the Women’s Rights Movement, did they say, “OK, we’ll only vote in the most populous cities?”

Small battles have been victorious. Thank you: Iowa, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Hampshire, and Maine. These victories show that the cause is gaining momentum, but these victories have also shown us that we do not live in the United States of America but the “Until all States of America.”

What do I mean by this?

- Until all States of America recognize that homosexuals can serve in the military without shame or fear.

- Until all States of America recognize that families with two women or two men are legally recognized.

- Until all States of America can recognize that homosexuals can love as deeply, truly and passionately as heterosexuals.

Until we can stop saying “until” we still have work to accomplish, rights to fight for, and steps to be taken in order to truly reflect a “United State” a true “land of the free.”

Massachusetts, we have a lot to be thankful for, happy for, even prideful for; however, let us not be blindsided by the success of our state or the state of our neighbors. There are people, fellow countrymen, who at this very moment are struggling through discrimination, and blatant injustice. Not too long ago I remember Massachusetts belonged to this group, but now that we have fought and won our piece it is time to help fight and win for the peace of others.
This article can also be found on: http://www.directoryofboston.com/blog/

I was driving in the car and I saw two people that were best friends of mine in grade school. One of them saw me and immediately turned her head. We didn’t end our friendship on a bad note, it just faded away… so why is it that often when I see people from that era of time we pass by without acknowledgement. Is it because we are afraid that we will be confronted by why we stopped talking to each other? These people I once shared everything with became engraved into the past, as if to acknowledge them today would be to acknowledge that anything had existed in the first place. There is something strange about that to me. Today, I was just as guilty as she was because I chose not to acknowledge her either, and I could have. The reason, right or wrong, is that I think that we should let those times live forever in the past. There, I can remember them when I want and remember them fondly for what they were. I have never identified with people who look very unfavorably on times that were good because feelings had grown bad between those who they were with. Isn’t that all a part of growing up—growing apart—growing closer—finding those who are the right fit at the right time—some of those who last forever and some who last for a summer.
Those that you can always count to be in it forever, generally speaking, is your family. Last night I went out to dinner with my brother and my great aunt Angela who is officially 99 years old—even though my family thinks she is 100—she is definitely 99. She has endured 99 years of life, isn’t that remarkable? Through the Great Depression, through heartbreaks, death, smoking and stopping, a heart attack, a broken hip, and she still lives on… she drives to the store, she cleans the apartment she has been living in for the past 50 years, she lectures, prays, she laughs and she loves. We were on our way out to get this fish fry that she had been talking about since I arrived back in town last week. As we were heading out, I got her coat out of the closet and made sure she buttoned her top button. It wasn’t that long ago, when she would button the top button on my jacket before taking us out on a Saturday adventure. I remember she used to drive me to pick up my best friends and take us to the mall, and she was the sole supplier of my beanie baby collection. Anyways, as I was buttoning her top button it got me thinking about family, and time and age. Angela, who has seen so much, still is able to love and laugh; nothing warms my heart more. One of the things I miss most about being away for school is not being able to make her feel less lonely. Going out to dinner with her on a Friday night was more fulfilling than anything that I could have been doing.
I own this game called, Loaded Questions. In it you are asked questions and each player except for the one who is asking the question, writes down a response. One time the question was, “What do you hope your last words will be?” A friend of mine had written down, “I love you too.”
 
Quote:
We all take different paths in life. But no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere

I have started this new thing. When I work out, I like to do my cardio first because that is what I find the most trying. I like to get the difficult things out of the way in order to let myself know, it just is going to keep getting easier. Sometimes when I am running on the treadmill it feels like I am running downhill, but the way I interpret is that with each step I am closer to becoming who I want to be: a faster, stronger, sexier, irresistible, me.
Like I said I have started this new thing, where after I do my cardio and then my lifting and my stretching, I go back on the treadmill. I go back on the treadmill and I run a quarter mile as hard as I can. Why do I do this? To let out the frustrations in my life… The frustrations of the past: the things people have said to me, the things that have brought me down and left me feeling helpless, the things that I think about when new frustrations occur, the things that lead me to question my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. The potential frustrations of the future: the new people I meet who will have preconceived notions of who I am, where I have been, and where I want to go. And, of course, the frustrations of the present: the things that pull on the back strings of my mind when I feel like giving in, the things that cause self bewilderment, the things that push me to no longer be a joke to those who are fortunate enough to be the objects of my affection. I want to have the last laugh.
Oh and until then, my body cries sweat and my mind makes dreams of former setbacks. My soul works as a machine, it takes remarks, glances, and the will to succeed and compounds them into one and then feeds it to me for breakfast, lunch, dinner and those snacks in between. I feed myself on the need to be better, to be someone that my parents can say, “that’s my girl” and to be the girl that others girls say, “I wish she was my girl.” I want other people to be able to see the blacks of my eyes as symbols of the dark passion that rests under the genetic makeup of a carefree kid.