This is one of the few moments where I don’t actually want to lose what I have with someone. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to end a relationship because of the timing and the distance that inevitably would not work well together. This is the first time, however, I’ve had to do it without some kind of hard feelings to remember in order to make it ending it easier. This is the first time I’ve broken up with someone who I whole heartedly felt like it was just too soon, just not fair. My stomach feels that sinking feeling, it reminds me of the “familiar pain” that Dan Fogelberg sings about in his “Same Old Lang Syne.” It’s a mixture of loss, pain, nostalgia and just plain fear. Although it isn’t necessarily the end, I’m treating it as if it is, otherwise I’d be hanging on to a false hope – and nothing tricks you more than false hopes. I hate this feeling; it makes me never want to be in a relationship again. I miss having my companion. The person I shared everything with. I am re-learning what it is to be alone, to sleep alone, to go out alone, and I am left here, feeling this loss, alone. I wish I didn’t, but I love and miss you… more than I ever have anybody in this way.

Quote:

“Life sucks in a good way: falling in love, falling in hate, getting hurt, and getting laid; what’s one without the other? But when it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you’re happy, and othertimes you smile just because you survived. Yet in the end, a smile is a smile.” – Happy Campers

A professor of mine had us watch a speech from the TED conferences, and she asked us to write a five-minute response as to what drives us right now…

What drives you?

There are times, or there have been situations where I think, well, this is it… how am I ever going to get myself out of this? Although these situations may seem catastrophic at the time, and sometimes even weeks afterwards, these are the situations that end up driving me later. I start to think… I didn’t give up then, why would I give up now?

College is a time where you are pushed into the pool of the world. Some of us swim. Some of us sink. Some of us just stay afloat. When obstacles arise, that’s when I find myself kicking into gear more than ever. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes it takes a couple of days to realize that I was letting that situation keep me still… stagnant. Motionless. Then I realize, if I let that hold me down, then I will eventually start to sink. Fortunately for me, I’ve been good about catching myself right before I start to go down…

What drives me? My mistakes, my optimism for the future, those who never believed in me, and those who believe in me no matter what…

I may not always have someone that understands, and I may not always understand others or myself… but the important thing doesn’t come from the understanding. The important thing is recognizing the willingness to conquer perfection, and the acceptance of falling short of that perfection.

Quote:

I always believed that fear belonged to other people. Weaker people. It never touched me. And then it did. And when it touches you, you know… that it’s been there all along… waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you loved. And your skin crawls… and your heart sickens… and you look at the person you once were walking down that streets… and you wonder, will you… will you ever be her again?

- The Brave One

I have spent a half hour watching different Oscar speeches, mainly for those who have won Best Actor/Actress. I have my favorites, and I have ones where I feel that their gratitude is not as well portrayed. We are celebrating the winners here, and although anyone nominated is considered a winner… I almost think the speeches of those who don’t quiet get there would be just as, if not more interesting than those of the “best.”

What happens to the losers? We so seldom hear their story.

We each have our own personal definition of losing and winning.

Here are two definitions as found on Dictionary.com:

Win:

“-verb (used without object)

1. to finish first in a race, contest, or the like.

2. to succeed by striving or effort: He applied for a scholarship and won.

3. to gain the victory; overcome an adversary: The home team won.

-verb (used with object)

4. to succeed in reaching (a place, condition, etc.), esp. by great effort: They won the shore through a violent storm.

5. to get by effort, as through labor, competition, or conquest: He won his post after years of striving.”

Lose

“-verb (used with object)

1. to come to be without (something in one’s possession or care), through accident, theft, etc., so that there is little or no prospect of recovery: I’m sure I’ve merely misplaced my hat, not lost it.

2. to fail inadvertently to retain (something) in such a way that it cannot be immediately recovered: I just lost a dime under this sofa.

14. to use to no purpose; waste: to lose time in waiting.

-verb (used without object)

23. to suffer loss: to lose on a contract.

24. to suffer defeat or fail to win, as in a contest, race, or game: We played well, but we lost.

25. to depreciate in effectiveness or in some other essential quality: a classic that loses in translation.”

The lessons learned from those who have lost, and always lose can be just as valuable as those that have lost and eventually won. Why does a loser continue if he never wins? Or is the fact that he continues why he is not really a loser in the first place? I think the day you become a real loser, is the day you give up.  But does that even really make you a loser? Sometimes you have to know your limits, and other times you have to know how to push yourself to get where you want to be.  I guess I am just grappling with examining my own sense of wins and losses.

Quote:

For when the One Great Scorer comes

To write against your name,

He marks-not that you won or lost-

But how you played the game.

-Grantland Rice

I was driving in the car and I saw two people that were best friends of mine in grade school. One of them saw me and immediately turned her head. We didn’t end our friendship on a bad note, it just faded away… so why is it that often when I see people from that era of time we pass by without acknowledgement. Is it because we are afraid that we will be confronted by why we stopped talking to each other? These people I once shared everything with became engraved into the past, as if to acknowledge them today would be to acknowledge that anything had existed in the first place. There is something strange about that to me. Today, I was just as guilty as she was because I chose not to acknowledge her either, and I could have. The reason, right or wrong, is that I think that we should let those times live forever in the past. There, I can remember them when I want and remember them fondly for what they were. I have never identified with people who look very unfavorably on times that were good because feelings had grown bad between those who they were with. Isn’t that all a part of growing up—growing apart—growing closer—finding those who are the right fit at the right time—some of those who last forever and some who last for a summer.
Those that you can always count to be in it forever, generally speaking, is your family. Last night I went out to dinner with my brother and my great aunt Angela who is officially 99 years old—even though my family thinks she is 100—she is definitely 99. She has endured 99 years of life, isn’t that remarkable? Through the Great Depression, through heartbreaks, death, smoking and stopping, a heart attack, a broken hip, and she still lives on… she drives to the store, she cleans the apartment she has been living in for the past 50 years, she lectures, prays, she laughs and she loves. We were on our way out to get this fish fry that she had been talking about since I arrived back in town last week. As we were heading out, I got her coat out of the closet and made sure she buttoned her top button. It wasn’t that long ago, when she would button the top button on my jacket before taking us out on a Saturday adventure. I remember she used to drive me to pick up my best friends and take us to the mall, and she was the sole supplier of my beanie baby collection. Anyways, as I was buttoning her top button it got me thinking about family, and time and age. Angela, who has seen so much, still is able to love and laugh; nothing warms my heart more. One of the things I miss most about being away for school is not being able to make her feel less lonely. Going out to dinner with her on a Friday night was more fulfilling than anything that I could have been doing.
I own this game called, Loaded Questions. In it you are asked questions and each player except for the one who is asking the question, writes down a response. One time the question was, “What do you hope your last words will be?” A friend of mine had written down, “I love you too.”
 
Quote:
We all take different paths in life. But no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere