This is one of the few moments where I don’t actually want to lose what I have with someone. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to end a relationship because of the timing and the distance that inevitably would not work well together. This is the first time, however, I’ve had to do it without some kind of hard feelings to remember in order to make it ending it easier. This is the first time I’ve broken up with someone who I whole heartedly felt like it was just too soon, just not fair. My stomach feels that sinking feeling, it reminds me of the “familiar pain” that Dan Fogelberg sings about in his “Same Old Lang Syne.” It’s a mixture of loss, pain, nostalgia and just plain fear. Although it isn’t necessarily the end, I’m treating it as if it is, otherwise I’d be hanging on to a false hope – and nothing tricks you more than false hopes. I hate this feeling; it makes me never want to be in a relationship again. I miss having my companion. The person I shared everything with. I am re-learning what it is to be alone, to sleep alone, to go out alone, and I am left here, feeling this loss, alone. I wish I didn’t, but I love and miss you… more than I ever have anybody in this way.

Quote:

“Life sucks in a good way: falling in love, falling in hate, getting hurt, and getting laid; what’s one without the other? But when it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you’re happy, and othertimes you smile just because you survived. Yet in the end, a smile is a smile.” – Happy Campers

A Gay Reality: Boston Pride 2009

The Boston Observer attends the Dyke March and the Gay Pride Parade.

Last week, the same week of Boston’s Pride, President Obama’s Justice Deparment wrote in support of the Defense of Marriage Act. This means Obama believes that if a person marries in Massachusetts and moves to Ohio, their marriage is null and void because Ohio does not have Gay Marriage. This is problematic for all of the obvious reasons; however, it also contradicts the position he took during his candidacy.

Yes, some of us should be able to be very happy, gay and complacent… But, for most of us complacency is a curse and the fight still continues. If there are people in this country who are denied certain rights because of where they live: then in a sense these rights do not exist. This is especially true in regards to the Gay Community. If a homosexual couple needs to move to a northern state in order to legalize their love, it is shared inequality. If a homosexual couple need to move away from their friends and family in order for their own family to be legally recognized, it is shared inequality. If a homosexual married couple cannot accept a position in another state because his or her partner may lose spousal benefits, it is shared inequality. Or as Martin Luther King, Junior said “Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” As a country we have fostered and survived on the belief that if a nation denies certain freedoms we continue to push for these freedoms, no questions asked. During the Civil Rights Movement, did African Americans say, “OK well, I guess we will have to accept that we will never be able to ride on the front of the bus in Alabama?” During the Women’s Rights Movement, did they say, “OK, we’ll only vote in the most populous cities?”

Small battles have been victorious. Thank you: Iowa, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Hampshire, and Maine. These victories show that the cause is gaining momentum, but these victories have also shown us that we do not live in the United States of America but the “Until all States of America.”

What do I mean by this?

- Until all States of America recognize that homosexuals can serve in the military without shame or fear.

- Until all States of America recognize that families with two women or two men are legally recognized.

- Until all States of America can recognize that homosexuals can love as deeply, truly and passionately as heterosexuals.

Until we can stop saying “until” we still have work to accomplish, rights to fight for, and steps to be taken in order to truly reflect a “United State” a true “land of the free.”

Massachusetts, we have a lot to be thankful for, happy for, even prideful for; however, let us not be blindsided by the success of our state or the state of our neighbors. There are people, fellow countrymen, who at this very moment are struggling through discrimination, and blatant injustice. Not too long ago I remember Massachusetts belonged to this group, but now that we have fought and won our piece it is time to help fight and win for the peace of others.
This article can also be found on: http://www.directoryofboston.com/blog/

A professor of mine had us watch a speech from the TED conferences, and she asked us to write a five-minute response as to what drives us right now…

What drives you?

There are times, or there have been situations where I think, well, this is it… how am I ever going to get myself out of this? Although these situations may seem catastrophic at the time, and sometimes even weeks afterwards, these are the situations that end up driving me later. I start to think… I didn’t give up then, why would I give up now?

College is a time where you are pushed into the pool of the world. Some of us swim. Some of us sink. Some of us just stay afloat. When obstacles arise, that’s when I find myself kicking into gear more than ever. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes it takes a couple of days to realize that I was letting that situation keep me still… stagnant. Motionless. Then I realize, if I let that hold me down, then I will eventually start to sink. Fortunately for me, I’ve been good about catching myself right before I start to go down…

What drives me? My mistakes, my optimism for the future, those who never believed in me, and those who believe in me no matter what…

I may not always have someone that understands, and I may not always understand others or myself… but the important thing doesn’t come from the understanding. The important thing is recognizing the willingness to conquer perfection, and the acceptance of falling short of that perfection.

Quote:

I always believed that fear belonged to other people. Weaker people. It never touched me. And then it did. And when it touches you, you know… that it’s been there all along… waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you loved. And your skin crawls… and your heart sickens… and you look at the person you once were walking down that streets… and you wonder, will you… will you ever be her again?

- The Brave One

I was driving in the car and I saw two people that were best friends of mine in grade school. One of them saw me and immediately turned her head. We didn’t end our friendship on a bad note, it just faded away… so why is it that often when I see people from that era of time we pass by without acknowledgement. Is it because we are afraid that we will be confronted by why we stopped talking to each other? These people I once shared everything with became engraved into the past, as if to acknowledge them today would be to acknowledge that anything had existed in the first place. There is something strange about that to me. Today, I was just as guilty as she was because I chose not to acknowledge her either, and I could have. The reason, right or wrong, is that I think that we should let those times live forever in the past. There, I can remember them when I want and remember them fondly for what they were. I have never identified with people who look very unfavorably on times that were good because feelings had grown bad between those who they were with. Isn’t that all a part of growing up—growing apart—growing closer—finding those who are the right fit at the right time—some of those who last forever and some who last for a summer.
Those that you can always count to be in it forever, generally speaking, is your family. Last night I went out to dinner with my brother and my great aunt Angela who is officially 99 years old—even though my family thinks she is 100—she is definitely 99. She has endured 99 years of life, isn’t that remarkable? Through the Great Depression, through heartbreaks, death, smoking and stopping, a heart attack, a broken hip, and she still lives on… she drives to the store, she cleans the apartment she has been living in for the past 50 years, she lectures, prays, she laughs and she loves. We were on our way out to get this fish fry that she had been talking about since I arrived back in town last week. As we were heading out, I got her coat out of the closet and made sure she buttoned her top button. It wasn’t that long ago, when she would button the top button on my jacket before taking us out on a Saturday adventure. I remember she used to drive me to pick up my best friends and take us to the mall, and she was the sole supplier of my beanie baby collection. Anyways, as I was buttoning her top button it got me thinking about family, and time and age. Angela, who has seen so much, still is able to love and laugh; nothing warms my heart more. One of the things I miss most about being away for school is not being able to make her feel less lonely. Going out to dinner with her on a Friday night was more fulfilling than anything that I could have been doing.
I own this game called, Loaded Questions. In it you are asked questions and each player except for the one who is asking the question, writes down a response. One time the question was, “What do you hope your last words will be?” A friend of mine had written down, “I love you too.”
 
Quote:
We all take different paths in life. But no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere

Our humanity was blessed with 5 ways to experience life (the five senses), but in our society beauty is most commonly assigned to what is visually appealing.  If one is asked to describe someone beautiful, all too often this person will describe each physically appealing quality: She has hair that shines in the sun, her skin the color of caramel, etc.
Rarely, if one is asked to describe someone beautiful, do they touch upon each of the senses… For example: Her skin is so beautiful, it feels like a soft peach.  Her voice is so beautiful to listen to; it is more soothing than a warm bath. She smells more beautifully than candles, or baking cookies, or Chanel. She is so beautiful that she has her own taste; a taste of which they should make candies after.
Needless to say there is nothing wrong with indulging in the physical beauty, but let us not neglect the beauty of all the other senses.  Those who are able to appreciate all five senses make for the best lovers, for they want to cater to each of your senses while indulging in your total beauty.
 
Quote:
Beauty?… To me it is a word without sense because I do not know where its meaning comes from nor where it leads to.  - Pablo Picasso
 
 
 
 

When things go wrong it is hard to remind yourself that the problem is not going to last forever; that even though it feels like it never is going to end, it will. My favorite Shakespeare quote is, “This too shall pass.” Simply because that is the one constant I have found in life… No matter the situation, good or bad, it will pass. So does that cliché, “Good things come to those who wait” become null if you follow Shakespeare’s words? Sure, good things come to those who wait, but that is because each state of being is essentially temporary.
 
Another reason I disagree with the saying, “Good things come to those who wait” is because it sounds as if you are just waiting around for the next thing to happen without working towards that good thing. I will say at least the saying isn’t, “Bad things will come to those who are busy” but that does seem to ring slightly true. It seems that I have the least amount of luck when I am the most proactive; I have never had a bad experience happen to me while I was sitting around waiting for something or someone.
 
When I have been proactive about my feelings for someone, sure enough, their inevitable disinterest in me occurs. If I would have waited would things have been different? Would there have been a good outcome? I don’t really think so, but I will continue in order to prove my point. When I was just waiting in line to buy a pack of gum back in April, I happened to find a $100 bill. It happened to be at a time when I was low on cash… Is this an example of a good thing happening to someone who was patiently waiting? I don’t think so. So often while I am busy doing one thing another thing will pass me by, if I had been waiting for that “good” thing would it have happened? Maybe, maybe not. I guess that’s when you throw in that other cliché, “everything happens for a reason.”
 
I do understand the real definition of the saying, that it is implied that you are working towards that goal while you are waiting for that “good thing.”
 
 
I have goals, but sometimes I make mistakes which create detours in my roads along the way. At times these detours will teach me more about myself than I ever could have realized and they teach me about the people in my life. They re-prioritize my priorities and make me realize how easily things can change what I have taken for granted. Small liberties taken away can result in big changes, ones I may never have noticed… Someone once told me that I wasn’t learning from my mistakes, but I don’t know how anyone can judge that except for me. Maybe they have learned something from the mistakes I have made and that something is inherently different than what I learned from the experience. I guess it makes sense that we each would take different things away from different experiences shared.
 
Oh well, I’m sure I’ll feel differently later.
 
Quote:
 
I may not be there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.
 
 
 
 
 
.

I was on the Internet, late (similarly to how I am now) when I received an instant message from a person I did not recognize. Usually when you receive an IM from someone you do not know it usually means one of three things:
1.)   They added you a long time ago when they were randomly stalking people one night.
2.)   They accidently IMed you
3.)   Trouble

I’ve been trying really hard to find a solo trumpet album, or a song even; just one sad, solo trumpet. Today, while at Barnes and Nobel I decided to add to my search a saxophone. I couldn’t find that either.
Isn’t that how it usually works though? People don’t find what they are looking for, they are supposed to find what they are supposed to find. Which can be what they are looking for, but a lot of times ends up being something totally different. And undeniably sometimes you end up with nothing, flat out nothing. But try and hold your breath and not be disappointed. Sometimes it is something you don’t realize that you need, and when it makes its way into your pocket (or your life) you realize, jeez I am way better with this here, than I ever was when I didn’t have it.
Today, I did find something. Chris Botti’s version of “Someone To Watch Over Me” Although not exactly how I pictured my solo trumpet song to sound, it definitely creates the feeling that I imagined it would. I actually feel the music and understand the music, whether I want to or not. Now that’s art, when the piece is able to grab you and turn you and pull you without you needing to give yourself to it. Even though you can’t really define art, I think that’s a close step in the right direction.
Today a dear friend of mine shared with me an explanation for certain types of people. She said she borrowed this from her other friend, but whatever… Someone, somewhere, said this. That the reason people get hooked on people who twist you about, and leave you knowing that things will never be more than what they are. Is because these people are CAPTIVATING. Be warned. These people are captivating and although they can easily swallow you, they aren’t the people you wind up with, but the people that fuck you up. They fuck you up because they make you believe that something is wrong with you. You may start to question yourself… doubt yourself… Why don’t they like me? Is it because I’m not skinny enough? Is it because I’m not artistic enough? Is it THIS Or That? No, no, no. “The problem isn’t you, it’s them…. “ or “it’s not you it’s me” Well, that’s what they say anyways. I can’t even learn this, but it’s happened so many times to me. I thought you’re supposed to learn how to avoid these situations. Isn’t the best teacher experience itself?
Here is my latest project; hopefully there will be more soon. I am going to create another blog where I explain why I chose the images I chose with the words I wrote.
First, a quote:
“Perhaps the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most, because as it’s been said, without reason and without prudence, the heart wants what the heart wants, and more often than not, it will not be denied.” –Mary, In Plain Sight
 
 

Paul Newman is such an attractive man. I love looking at his pictures; he just has that look that I love in a guy. Masculine, yet clean cut. He looks like he can man handle you or treat you like a lady, depending on your mood. He has a timeless face and a smile which has made him irresistible throughout each phase of life.
 
People just looked differently back then (1940s-1960s). They had a classier flare, a certain style which seems to have died out when our grandparents turned 80.  
 
Another admirable trait that Paul Newman seems to have is his devotion to his wife. Or, I should say, their devotion to each other. A quote from his wife, Joanne Woodward (woman in picture above), ”Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.”  It is remarkable to hear Woodward, who is married to arguably one of the most attractive men in American history, say that looks are in a sense overrated. It’s refreshing to hear that someone who married such an attractive man admits that even that fades away and ultimately is not enough to carry a relationship. We are such a visual culture, we think that because a person has a pretty face everything else will in turn be pretty. The truth is, at least for me, what makes a person beautiful has much more to do with what causes the sparkle in their eye, not their inherited beautiful face. It is sometimes very difficult to not buy into the package of what is beautiful, because we see it everywhere all of the time. I do enjoy looking at beautiful people, but there is nothing better than someone who can make you smile, Woodward is right.
When Paul Newman was asked how his marriage survives the temptations of Hollywood, he responded, “Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?”

 
 
See for yourself:

I have started this new thing. When I work out, I like to do my cardio first because that is what I find the most trying. I like to get the difficult things out of the way in order to let myself know, it just is going to keep getting easier. Sometimes when I am running on the treadmill it feels like I am running downhill, but the way I interpret is that with each step I am closer to becoming who I want to be: a faster, stronger, sexier, irresistible, me.
Like I said I have started this new thing, where after I do my cardio and then my lifting and my stretching, I go back on the treadmill. I go back on the treadmill and I run a quarter mile as hard as I can. Why do I do this? To let out the frustrations in my life… The frustrations of the past: the things people have said to me, the things that have brought me down and left me feeling helpless, the things that I think about when new frustrations occur, the things that lead me to question my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. The potential frustrations of the future: the new people I meet who will have preconceived notions of who I am, where I have been, and where I want to go. And, of course, the frustrations of the present: the things that pull on the back strings of my mind when I feel like giving in, the things that cause self bewilderment, the things that push me to no longer be a joke to those who are fortunate enough to be the objects of my affection. I want to have the last laugh.
Oh and until then, my body cries sweat and my mind makes dreams of former setbacks. My soul works as a machine, it takes remarks, glances, and the will to succeed and compounds them into one and then feeds it to me for breakfast, lunch, dinner and those snacks in between. I feed myself on the need to be better, to be someone that my parents can say, “that’s my girl” and to be the girl that others girls say, “I wish she was my girl.” I want other people to be able to see the blacks of my eyes as symbols of the dark passion that rests under the genetic makeup of a carefree kid.